We moved from Louisiana, to Florida, when I was 13, to be near my adopted fathers family, so he could aid in raising his kids.

For over a year we lived with his sister and her family (husband, 2 girls, and her Mother) in a home where I and my brother slept on floor. After being there for a few months, my Dad, not trying to rent a home for us, given only small amount per week to feed us or aid with bills at his sisters, lead to tempers growing in the house hold with the adults. And this spread to the treatment given us kids by her kids. We were reminded it wasn’t our home, made feel in the way, and even reminded Dad, didn’t even give enough for food so we should be thankful we were allowed to eat. I started skipping a lot of meals for I felt I had no right to eat there food. And after everyone would go to sleep I would sneek into the kitchen and get a slice of bread or some cookies, for I was hungry.

The feeling of being unwanted increased, and I felt even more so as a bum, unwanted so on for I had already been told I was “no true Farr”, therefore the rejection we were all feeling being at my Aunts increased for me, for I felt if they weren’t welcomed, I surly wasn’t for I wasn’t “family”.

This led to me going to my adopted brothers house (Otis). He a unschooled man, a drunk, hard worker but when off work he drank. I would help him on his property raising hogs, in his veg. garden as he had 3 girls and a wife, but no boy to help do the work. In exchange for this I was allowed to sleep on his couch, and I was fed. Often at meal time he would say “have you earned your stay for today? Do you have right to eat what you’re being given?” This leading me to feel out of place, unloved, a work horse. Due to living there with him and he a drunk, I soon started drinking, he calling me his “drinking buddy”. And I drove him home from bars, when he drunk. I would sit in car for hours alone in the parking lot waiting for him to drive him home.

By age 13 I was also a drunk, due to his having me drink with him. I would often awake with my hands shaking, and he found that funny, giving me a beer saying “start your day out right.” I would do my work around the house before school, then once again “home” I would work until dark with the hogs, in veg. garden, cuting grass, so on. Once he got home, we would have a couple beers together before he went to bed…I was being called by then “my little nigger.” Meaning I was lower class then he, and his family, and his worker doing whatever I was told.

Due to a lot of moving before we even moved to Fl., I was behind in school, and had learned it wasn’t wise to make “friends” for we would soon move anyway, so I had become kind of a loner early on. And now in Fl., being behind in school, and a drinking habit, I quit going to school, quiting in 7th grade. (I did go back for a short time later, due to my age I was put into 10th grade, but I couldn’t keep up not did I have interest so I quit again. Therefore my school records show 10th grade, but last year I did got to school was 7th grade).

I now “home”, all the time I was required to work from 7am-dark, to earn my place to sleep on the couch and food I ate. My being there daily with Otis’s wife Mary, when he at work and there girls in school, sexual things started from her to me. She having me at first just touch her, then leading to me having to give her oral sex. I was told by her “if you ever tell anyone they won’t believe you. And anyway if you don’t like this you must be gay for all boy’s like girls and doing this. And it’s not wrong really for you aren’t a birth Farr, you tell you’ll have no place to stay. “ I never told until I was in my 20’s, but even then not telling anyone in “family”, until I was 29 years old.

This all went on with her till I was in my mid 14th year, and stopped due to I had become to like it, and was advancing to her. I guess she no longer felt in control, or felt I was getting older so felt no interest in me. I don’t hate her for this, for I feel she acted out due to she had a drinker husband, he abusive verbal to her. And she felt maybe some control or being wanted, through her actions with me.

By age 16 I located where my Mom, was and I went to her, receiving a luke warm welcome, as she had remarried and was living single type life, and clearly my Mom, wasn’t mentally stable.

My drinking kept going, working low skill jobs until I was about 18 moving out on my own, and my short lived relationships with females started. I wanting to be loved and wanted, but a drinker, where I meet females was in bars, and therefore that type females I normally found, poor, unskilled, alone, seeking to be wanted, loved by any man.

I married at 18, and quickly divorced due to she cheated on me. I remarried at 20 to Mary, we had a son Victor Jr., and I had a good job in the oil fields, due to my older ½ brother Lewis, I was jailed on charges I didn’t do. He had done the charges, but when questioned by police said I had. This time in jail lead to my losing my job. Rent due by time I got out of jail, no job, no food in the house, a small son, and Mary again with child (Matthew). I didn’t know what to do. So I stole to try to get money. This lead to me going to prison in Texas. Mary, had to divorce me, this was the grounds of her parents so they would take care of her and give her place to stay.

Once out of prison, I was then dealing with depression, low self worth, and returned to drinking, married again but left Vada, within months. We had met in a bar and was married within 2 weeks time. Again for I was lonely and wished to be loved. But we clearly want’ made for each other. Quickly meeting Jackie, and very night I met her she moved in with me. She alone, batteling ghost of her own past due to hardships during and how she was raised. She and I weren’t ment for each other. We broke up and got back together more times than I can count in the 7 years we were together, and having (3) kids Barbra, Julie, Travis.

When we would brake up I was left homeless, and would just drift where ever my feet would take me until I found work and a place to stay. We quickly (within month or two) would get back together only to split up again within couple months. And I again homeless, a never ending path, but loved my kids and so I kept going back.

At age 26 my mother was coldly murdered a long sad story….Her murder triggered deeper depression in me and drinking more. And my being put in a mental hospital for trying to kill myself.

My life until age 29 was of drinking, homeless, back with Jackie, only to split up again, homeless again, depression and anger growing stronger in me.

Until I lost control and became a drunk all the time, drifting the last few months as a free man from place to place, homeless, in and out of relationships, lost mentally and depressed.

I ended up drifting to Fl., asking adopted family a place to stay until I could get my mind together, a job and some money to move on with. I was turned away by them.

No where to turn, nothing to hope or dream for, I stole a gun from my Aunts with plans to kill myself to end my pain and life I no longer welcomed. Instead I ended up in a word exchange in the bar that lead to this trouble.

In the jail beaten by officers who know family of young lady who died in car crash. A court appointed lawyer who wouldn’t help me, alone, depressed, ashamed, I at last shut down fully giving up. I started letters to the state making my action seem a cold as possible to assure my case would go to death sentence. And I guess my words were also really what I felt of myself, hate, shame, no will to live, and I wished I guess to be seen that way to assure my death.

Of course there was a lot more that went on in my life, but this isn’t a letter for pity. It’s instead a letter to try to allow you to see how I reached the point I did.

Respectfully,
Victor Marcus Farr
Florida Death Row Inmate # 541170.